How To Make Tuna Salad Sandwiches Exactly Like I Do

I'm sure there isn't a person alive who can't make tuna salad. This is just how I do it.

Come home from work and decide you're too lazy to cook anything too labor-intensive tonight.

Hard-boil an egg or two, and break out the cutting board while you're waiting. Chop half an onion, and spread out over board. Sprinkle liberally with salt and allow to sit (this mellows the flavor).

Open four cans of tuna, and drain off all the water you possibly can, squishing with the lid or a fork to force more liquid out. Transfer tuna to a bowl and add mayonnaise and sweet relish to taste. I get this mixture to the consistency I want before adding anything else. I can't give you exact measurements... I guess, mix it, and always end up adding a little more.

Once you're pleased with your tuna-mayo-relish ratio, add in the onions. Chop and add at least one of the eggs and mix well. Taste before adding salt (the onions will contribute some saltiness), then season to taste- I like lots of fresh ground pepper! Cover your bowl (I mix this in some sort of Tupperware since it's going in the fridge anyway) and refrigerate to allow flavors to blend. Wander away to do something else and lose track of time.

When your stomach starts getting pissed off because you haven't fed it yet, it's time to return to the kitchen. Turn the broiler on low and butter one side of however many pieces of bread you'll be using. Place them under the broiler, buttered-side up, until lightly browned. Assemble sandwich with buttered sides out so there is proof of deliciousness on your fingers after eating. Add a little bit of lettuce to the sandwich if you have it so you don't feel so bad for going on a butter & mayo bender.